I like this a lot but the two lines that have eleven syllables don’t have to. If you drop the ending off “hidden” and the indefinite article before “ever-knowing wisdom” you wouldn’t change the meaning at all, and the sound would only change slightly.
Thanks Kilby! Those are good suggestions, though I do have an argument for why I made those metrical decisions. I definitely think dropping the indefinite article would make it seem like the birds are omniscient, whereas I'm using the phrase by way of analogy to say they have “a certain kind of” ever knowing wisdom.
Both these examples of extra-syllabic variation would have been solved by elision in the past (hidd'n and 'n ever knowning) but if I'm not leaning into an archaic voice I'll justify it as a substitution of an anapest for an iamb, particularly where there's no ambiguity on both unstressed syllables.
Thanks Sam, synesthesia is a technique that's not used nearly enough imo, but it's difficult to make it work subtly so I'm glad to hear this hit the mark. 🙏
I especially like "breathe the colour green" and "converse with birds". A beautiful grasping at the thing that cannot be held but that always slips away.
Thanks Melanie, I tried to make the little internal rhyme on those two phrases have them stand out as particularly vivid images, I'm glad they jumped out at you. 🙏
I agree with the others. This poem stands out. A synesthesia sonnet but also one in rhyming triplets - and thus having no volta - with an ending couplet. Plus 9 of 14 lines enjambed. "Technique is sincerity" some critic has said. The punctuating triplets combined with the driving enjambments create an intensity that makes the poem. Thank you.
Thank you William, I had never done a sonnet in rhyming triplets before and I think the result was quite effective, although I don't think this precludes the possibility a volta. In a Shakespearean sonnet the volta can happen at the final couplet, which is where I consider it to be placed in this piece. Thank you for reading and sharing as always!
"He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end."
Beautiful sonnet, Tom. I love your choices, especially "hemmed in behind by doubt and after, bliss"
Thank you Mark, it's beautiful to see what passages this sonnet has evoked in different people, initially I had Corinthians 2:9 attached as a subtitle…
"But, as it is written: That eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither hath it entered into the heart of man, what things God hath prepared for them that love him."
This morning during prayer, a bluejay landed on the bush right outside my windows and gave me that sidelong stare birds do so well. It was a lovely moment, and reading this right after felt serindipitous: "converse with birds, believe / they might just understand the way they stare /
with an ever-knowing wisdom that lays bare / your ill constructed fortresses of care." I love how the enjambed lines pull this along and imitate the rush of joy which unites the senses into one. This is going in my commonplace.
Thank you Abigail! Seeing things of great moment in the small circumstances of life, like a bird at the window, is part of developing the poetic spirit that I certainly think you have to a great degree.
Ah yes . . . C. S. Lewis called it Joy. "But then the moment goes away; and you are aware that a veil has been drawn again, and you will have to wait for the next time it is pulled back, and you can’t do that pulling back on your own."
I like this a lot but the two lines that have eleven syllables don’t have to. If you drop the ending off “hidden” and the indefinite article before “ever-knowing wisdom” you wouldn’t change the meaning at all, and the sound would only change slightly.
Thanks Kilby! Those are good suggestions, though I do have an argument for why I made those metrical decisions. I definitely think dropping the indefinite article would make it seem like the birds are omniscient, whereas I'm using the phrase by way of analogy to say they have “a certain kind of” ever knowing wisdom.
Both these examples of extra-syllabic variation would have been solved by elision in the past (hidd'n and 'n ever knowning) but if I'm not leaning into an archaic voice I'll justify it as a substitution of an anapest for an iamb, particularly where there's no ambiguity on both unstressed syllables.
Brilliant synesthetic conceit, really well executed. Thanks for this one Thomas.
Thanks Sam, synesthesia is a technique that's not used nearly enough imo, but it's difficult to make it work subtly so I'm glad to hear this hit the mark. 🙏
This is so lovely. The feeling it evokes.... I just want to stay in this place. Thank you.
You're welcome Evangeline, that's exactly what every poet wants to hear! Thank you. 🙏
I especially like "breathe the colour green" and "converse with birds". A beautiful grasping at the thing that cannot be held but that always slips away.
Thanks Melanie, I tried to make the little internal rhyme on those two phrases have them stand out as particularly vivid images, I'm glad they jumped out at you. 🙏
I agree with the others. This poem stands out. A synesthesia sonnet but also one in rhyming triplets - and thus having no volta - with an ending couplet. Plus 9 of 14 lines enjambed. "Technique is sincerity" some critic has said. The punctuating triplets combined with the driving enjambments create an intensity that makes the poem. Thank you.
Thank you William, I had never done a sonnet in rhyming triplets before and I think the result was quite effective, although I don't think this precludes the possibility a volta. In a Shakespearean sonnet the volta can happen at the final couplet, which is where I consider it to be placed in this piece. Thank you for reading and sharing as always!
Beautiful!
Thank you Korie!
"He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end."
Beautiful sonnet, Tom. I love your choices, especially "hemmed in behind by doubt and after, bliss"
Thank you Mark, it's beautiful to see what passages this sonnet has evoked in different people, initially I had Corinthians 2:9 attached as a subtitle…
"But, as it is written: That eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither hath it entered into the heart of man, what things God hath prepared for them that love him."
Oh, that's really neat to hear! Love how God's word never returns void.
This morning during prayer, a bluejay landed on the bush right outside my windows and gave me that sidelong stare birds do so well. It was a lovely moment, and reading this right after felt serindipitous: "converse with birds, believe / they might just understand the way they stare /
with an ever-knowing wisdom that lays bare / your ill constructed fortresses of care." I love how the enjambed lines pull this along and imitate the rush of joy which unites the senses into one. This is going in my commonplace.
Thank you Abigail! Seeing things of great moment in the small circumstances of life, like a bird at the window, is part of developing the poetic spirit that I certainly think you have to a great degree.
What a generous thing to say. Thank you, Thomas. I enjoyed copying your poem into my commonplace yesterday.
Ah yes . . . C. S. Lewis called it Joy. "But then the moment goes away; and you are aware that a veil has been drawn again, and you will have to wait for the next time it is pulled back, and you can’t do that pulling back on your own."
Exactly, treasure the moments while they last. And then use poetry to recollect something of the moment in repose 😊